Confession session: one of the reasons I don't really post as often as I can is because of this secret insecurity I have -- that I actually have nothing of importance or of relevance to say. I'm almost certain that everyone has these doubts about themselves; especially in this century when so many Greats are just a screen tap away. And being hyper aware of that fact, I relent from posting or sharing anything because I just don't feel like it matters or is worth anyone's time. I have a little bugger perched on my shoulder, whispering things into my ear like:
"Who's going to want to read what you have to say?"
"Do you think anyone cares?"
"Who are you ba?"
(Roughly translated from implied tone --
"Who the f-- do you think you are anyway?")
And because of all these doubts, sometimes I start to think that I’m a fraud. I have this fear that one day someone’s going to figure out that I’m not really good at what I do. That I am basically a product of sheer luck and impeccable timing. It's probably why I cringe shy away when people ask me about it. I just don't think any of it is remarkable. It can get really depressing when my thoughts find itself in this dark and dangerous alley. The only way to snap out of it is to give myself a reality check. Debasing myself isn't helping me prove the bugger wrong. In fact, dwelling on these things just gives the little monster more ammo to fire back at me. The only way to prevent any of my fears from coming true is to become better and amazing at what I do. Wallowing in self-pity is nowhere on the battle plan.
I also realized that the great big flaw in my self-doubt's defense is that it presupposes I care about what other people think. That I should even be doing anything (at least anything on the internet, cause let's face it, it's mostly a self-centered community on here) for anyone other than myself. I joined Pinterest 5 years ago because I wanted a virtual cork board to pin images and links I bookmark. It was my online version of my life's mood board. And that's still what it is. It remains to be very personal. And so far, I think I've been doing quite all right on there. Ultimately, that's what my blog needs to be -- it has to be for me. (and my mom and bestie who I know for a fact stalk me lol hi!) In the same way that my Pinterest organizes my digital clutter, this blog will help me sort through my mental space and be a map of sorts to navigate through my thoughts and feelings. I may not always come up with anything sensible by the time I hit "Publish." but at least I get a post that I can look back at a few years from now and realize how annoying (yet endearing, I hope!) I am.
So if for some reason you find yourself on my little corner of the internet, I hope you find something you like. Send me a message if you do! I reply to all messages :) And if you don't.. Well then, here are two little piggies out for a swim and some baby sloths to make your time on here a little worthwhile.
Be kind. x